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Thursday, 6 May 2010

Reconnecting...


I am getting a little tired of hearing the endless, nagging voices of anxiety in my head...

I don't mean that I'm hearing voices, or that the singing kettle is telling me to silence the demon toaster.

Thankfully.

I once had a girlfriend who'd experienced that kind of mental health issue. She did recover in time. She was a lovely girl. Helen. Flame-haired. Another pale Celt. A good friend, but we stopped seeing one other after she split up from her boyfriend, my husband's best friend, and wanted to start anew in another space, place and time, with another man. Sensible thing sometimes, breaking with the past... Halting negative and trapped behaviours,

So, I have given up whingeing for lent...

Whingeing and whining. I've had enough and I'm getting a grip of my senses and sorting myself out.

Sometimes we need to note a slight downwards spiral in ourselves, do we not, to realise that we are alive, as Jinksy said, to recognise the moments of laughter and happiness.

Being sunk too low in our despair, we need to take heed so that we may arrest the corkscrew spin that does not end in an uncorking of sweet, sparkling liquids, but which will end in nothing but bitter tears...

I felt a little lighter today in my soul. A small veil lifted. I did some practical things. Paid some niggling bills. That felt good for a start. Cleansing.

Late last night, I launched into problem-solving thinking mode about the house my dad left to me. There is much that needs to be done, but I can deal with it.

I know I can.

I have to.

I might twinkle on, wondering why others seem to have it so good?

Asking why does all the crapilola stuff happen just to me?

But I recognise it for what it is; The dark, damaging, negative self-esteem impulse that's at play there...

Whoosh-whoosh whispering in my shell-like, "You're not good enough"...

But I am.

And so are you.

13 comments:

Pearl said...

We ARE good enough. It's good to remember that.

Pearl

libby said...

Amen.

jinksy said...

The harder we have to search to find the strength we need, the stronger it makes us when we do...

saz said...

yes you ARE good enough, do not lose sight of that...it is easier l feel to let yourself fall and spiral down, and the key is noticing it before it begins to overwhelm and drown us...

it is about choices too...if we get to choices then of course WE are still in control...its also about having the friends and support blanketing us from the fire and water....
no one can make it through safely alone, we all need help and love to enable us to HOLD ON... just another day, or moment can make the difference, we can choose to live in the moment and take from it that which eats aways at us and devours the hope or ...

that which nurtures and feeds...

l choose living...come run with me..

saz x

Moannie said...

I want to give you a hug and tell you how brave you are and how pleased I am that you are turning a wee corner.

Though do feel free to rant if the need to let off steam gets too much.

diney said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down - life can be shite sometimes but it can also be great. I wrote a post on just that last month when my father in law had sunk into dementia. I hope the veil lifts for you very soon. Perhaps you need to change your blog name to A Woman of Huge Significance?

slommler said...

Yes turn that corner and see the light on the other side...just a wee step away. You are good enough...more than good enough!!!
And it is good to break from the negatives in our past.
Wishing you strength and courage for things you have to do.
Hugs
SueAnn

Derrick said...

Give all the crapilola stuff the big heave-ho, Fhina (but not in my direction eh?!). We're ALL worth one helluva lot more.

Dumdad said...

Keep on fighting. You're worth it. Don't let anyone tell you different.

French Fancy said...

I can see a new Fhina emerging here. Off with the old woes and lows. Just think - you've got another house. Capital there - money which when realised could give you a little filip of pleasure. Perhaps buy a little hideaway in France somewhere - Brittany naturally - then we could do stuff here together.

Think about it - another house, possibilities...revel in it, find the good, throw out the bad.

xx

vegemitevix said...

I hear these voices too. Often when my resistence is low and I'm weary. Like now. Hang in there Fhina. Speak your power into being and maybe change your blog name as the other commenter said to A Woman of Great Importance. Because simply, you are. Beautiful honest post that I so relate to. xx

Jewels said...

Tell it sister.

Suldog said...

Indeed we are, all of us. Sometimes, we just need something (or someone) to show us so. Keep on the steady course!

Something I wrote earlier...

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