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Monday, 1 November 2010

Me? -- Griptastic! You?!


I find I am better at blogging about things in retrospect. While I am 'in the moment', I am frozen and numb, and unable to see my way through the gauzy veil, made up as it is, of fears and tears...

I know almost exactly what I need to do to feel well - To breathe more deeply, to focus on the now not the future, to get more sleep, to be rational. So why can't I do it?

I am losing my job. Period. The national office network I have worked busily in for nine years is to be abolished. We're no longer required, you see. Last week I was exorcised in writing letters to MPs in Parliament and to the House of Lords. Because, while they're planning to close us, they're also doing what they can to subvert our terms and conditions. Doing us out of our rightful and accrued dues... Giving us three months' notice instead of six. Paying us less than our regulated redundancy payments, in a climate and in a region where it is difficult to find work.

And we're only the tip of the iceberg. We're ahead of the wave, to use yet another natural disaster analogy. Last week I learned that a local council is to shed 2,000 of its staff over four years. That news went round the city like a shock-wave. And so, I have chosen to re-train. I don't know if what I am studying, Psychotherapy, will find me work. But I am hopeful. And I think I will find it interesting, and I am ready to study, my man-child having flown the nest this year.

Work on my late father's house in an economically fragile area is over-running and costing more money than it should. Utility bills there pile up, terrifying me. Work on my own home has had to stop because of this... I have no kitchen ceiling and some dodgy electrics, wires poking, pointing fingers of blame; Rooms are left undecorated and in shambles and a kitchen that needed replacing nine years ago when we first moved in will have to do... All of this has made me fearful, fretful and frit... I went into a bit of a tail-spin last month. I'm usually the one rallying around, bolstering others' confidence, providing signs of care and Mother Hen'ning...

I was in tears while driving in to work in the morning. Tears slid down my nose while signing farewell cards at work. I went to a leaving 'do' for four colleagues who have escaped the axe, and who volunteered to leave. Pint of the Black Stuff in hand, I passed my contact details to a couple of them whom I'd like to keep in touch with. Networking, I think it's called... The lump in my throat threatened to choke me.

We're planning a huge leaving 'do' for the rest of us when the axe falls. Whenever it actually falls... Nothing individual. While we're in limbo, gallows' humour prevails in the office. Hysteria breaks out de temps en temps... Angry energies continue to keep us alive.

...I have a sort of secret. I no longer really want my job. I'm relatively sanguine about having to go... But the money situation terrifies me, and I can see looming ahead only the worst case scenarios.

I need to get a grip!



6 comments:

Gigi said...

I know what you mean - the money situation is terrifying. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you - it seems to be a world-wide epidemic at the moment.

All I can offer is this - take it day by day. If you look to far out it is far too scary. But if you go day by day it is far more manageable. That's the only way I can stay sane.

Expat mum said...

I think I've mentioned that my sis has just qualified as a psychotherapist in Newcastle and it's definitely an area that will grow. She is picking up private clients by the week, and soon won't have to work for anything to do with the government, - which is just as well as they keep pulling the funding.
And - she got into that because she was laid off from a job in a completely different field and decided to retrain.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Comiserations, no one should be treated this way. But you are a survivor, I'm sure of it.

Nana Go-Go said...

One door closes......x

Ann Best said...

We always think it will happen to someone else. And then it happens to us. I am so sorry! I can hardly stand to think about people like you who have lost/are losing their jobs. There is nothing secure for anyone in the world right now. I truly hope that you will be fine financially--somehow. You have my very most sincere wishes and hope!!
Ann

Clippy Mat said...

Bad news indeed - for you and for many others. I hate to hear these things. I hope that you will be able to pick up and forge forwards to your new career. I have a feeling this will be a great field for you. Good Luck. :-)

Something I wrote earlier...

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