I find I am better at blogging about things in retrospect. While I am 'in the moment', I am frozen and numb, and unable to see my way through the gauzy veil, made up as it is, of fears and tears...
I know almost exactly what I need to do to feel well - To breathe more deeply, to focus on the now not the future, to get more sleep, to be rational. So why can't I do it?
I am losing my job. Period. The national office network I have worked busily in for nine years is to be abolished. We're no longer required, you see. Last week I was exorcised in writing letters to MPs in Parliament and to the House of Lords. Because, while they're planning to close us, they're also doing what they can to subvert our terms and conditions. Doing us out of our rightful and accrued dues... Giving us three months' notice instead of six. Paying us less than our regulated redundancy payments, in a climate and in a region where it is difficult to find work.
And we're only the tip of the iceberg. We're ahead of the wave, to use yet another natural disaster analogy. Last week I learned that a local council is to shed 2,000 of its staff over four years. That news went round the city like a shock-wave. And so, I have chosen to re-train. I don't know if what I am studying, Psychotherapy, will find me work. But I am hopeful. And I think I will find it interesting, and I am ready to study, my man-child having flown the nest this year.
Work on my late father's house in an economically fragile area is over-running and costing more money than it should. Utility bills there pile up, terrifying me. Work on my own home has had to stop because of this... I have no kitchen ceiling and some dodgy electrics, wires poking, pointing fingers of blame; Rooms are left undecorated and in shambles and a kitchen that needed replacing nine years ago when we first moved in will have to do... All of this has made me fearful, fretful and frit... I went into a bit of a tail-spin last month. I'm usually the one rallying around, bolstering others' confidence, providing signs of care and Mother Hen'ning...
I was in tears while driving in to work in the morning. Tears slid down my nose while signing farewell cards at work. I went to a leaving 'do' for four colleagues who have escaped the axe, and who volunteered to leave. Pint of the Black Stuff in hand, I passed my contact details to a couple of them whom I'd like to keep in touch with. Networking, I think it's called... The lump in my throat threatened to choke me.
We're planning a huge leaving 'do' for the rest of us when the axe falls. Whenever it actually falls... Nothing individual. While we're in limbo, gallows' humour prevails in the office. Hysteria breaks out de temps en temps... Angry energies continue to keep us alive.
...I have a sort of secret. I no longer really want my job. I'm relatively sanguine about having to go... But the money situation terrifies me, and I can see looming ahead only the worst case scenarios.
I need to get a grip!