While I obviously applaud him for this, that he has the great and good grace to share his experience, indeed his wealth and kindness with others in his dotage, I enviously wish he was here to explain my fears away...
What has lifted my spirits this morning is an award from, (help me, I am running out of superlatives - she is wonderful, people!), Diane at Diane's Addled Ramblings.
Diane is an open and bold, honest and beautifully talented writer, mother, friend, coach (swimming and otherwise), and all round good-egg!
She left me an award,
which I shall be putting on my blogspace tout de suite!I would also ask you, if you can spare the time, to please look at the other bloggers Diane has given awards to today - They are a bunch of talented and enlightening writers (present company excepted!), and have had me in tears - Proper tears, of beauty, not self-pity, this morning!
I am also doing the honourable, and passing this well-deserved award on in turn to Moannie over at The View fom this End, to acknowledge the values that every blogger shows in his or her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values every day...
Anyway, back to Moannie - Annie - is a treasure, and it's not that I'm biased because she's Saz's mum, from (so not) Fat, frumpy and fifty, that I love and adore her too!
Moannie picked up the cudgel of answering 5 Questions set by moi - And she has done so whole-heartedly - Please go and see her wonderful pictures today, and pop back to see the other 3 folk I am about to gift this award to over the next couple of days - I'm not wholly meself today, you can tell!
I'm not after sympathy, no, honestly; And I know there are people in far worse places than me, I have read it in their blogs this morning and last week...
And yet to self-obsess, and recognise one's own frailities occasionally is probably a fundamental (if not just pure mental!) part of the human condition.
Viz Narcissus and Icarus, and another bunch of Greek Myths... Most of whom did not end well, it would be fair to say...!
Please look away if you're after a laugh today, folks! You'll not find it here...
If you're looking for melancholy and whine, then read on, and please forgive me for being self-indulgent, but I sort of need to get this out of my system - For the present!
(...A Jane Eyre reference there, for anyone still reading!)
I am stalked by fearful thoughts...
Replete with 'what ifs', 'whys' and 'wherefores',
Woes and tears are commonplace.
Reminded once more of our own mortality...
Tricked by dark destiny and sometimes unfeeling fate,
I must strive to conquer my feelings...
Unwarranted and unwanted as they are.
I shall not allow myself to be overrun by irrational fear,
Fearing as I do, above all, loss of control...
Even, loss of the very essence of me.
Sometimes I know myself to be surrounded...
By warmth and light, wild wings and beating of hearts and souls;
Like-minds, kindred spirits, and more than love.
I feel it as I also feel pain and longing for what once was
...and what can never be returned to me.
I shall be more in control of my faculties, and usual inherent optimism, in the next couple of days, no doubt. Please accept my apologies for such self-indulgence today...
And sorry for keeping saying sorry, it's another of my indulgences!
17 comments:
That's one of the perks of having a blog. It's your space to be yourself. Even if once in a while, you're not feeling like yourself...
What ifs are inevitable. I have them daily.
A very poetic, reflective, melancholic, serene and beautiful post. If it is any consolation, I can relate to everything you describe.
Congratulation on the award, I am sure it is well deserved.;)
First, thank you for your lovely, kind words. I echo them back to you! And darling, if you can't be a little self-indulgent and whingey here, where can you be?! And your self-indulgent, whinging is nothing like what I do sometimes (and read on other blogs)... you do it so beautifully (I mean with beautiful words, not that you're extra good at whinging! :). You're right that other people are in worse shape, but melancholy, like pain, is relative, isn't it?
No sympathy here, dear Fhina... but empathy I give you in spades. Feel better!! xo
I read Moannie's responses to your questions... wonderful! Will you think up 5 for me? No hurry, though! Whenever you get to it is fine.
Fhina-
I have to echo your word "sorry" and say that I am sorry to hear this...I hope we in the blogging community can provide some support during these trying times. We're just a comment away ;-)
carma
Hi Fhina,
First i want to say i think your name is very pretty!!!
I am glad to come across your beautiful blog from Diane!!! I would like to follow you!! Also, i am here to listen to you!!!
I know how you feel!!! I feel it daily!!! But, i push forward. Its all i can really do!!!!
Be well my new friend!!!
Fhina, I hope you are feeling better this evening that you appeared earlier today!!
SO did you have a wasted journey to the hospital today then??
I did think Moannie did do well with her 5 questions..l'm off to explore.more..
take care, breath deeply (it works for me) talk later..
your appt is tomorrow..I get mixed up, obviously!!
FFF x
Kate Coveny Hood - Bless you, bless you, bless you!
Protege - Thank you for spending some time here and sending such wonderfully wise words - which is just what I would expect of you, coming from Diane's hallowed circle of friends and followers!
Diane - No words, only loving vibes - You know I say too much as it is! xxoxx
Sazling - Ditto - and Moannie is a star isn't she? Did you know that I'm moving in with her to recuperate??! Hosp. visit is tomorrow midday, hence my growing melancholy and self-doubt - Sorry - again!
I will be over with my 5 Questions of Fate forthwith! Mwah xox
Carma - Thank you, treasure! I feel better already, having blogged some of it out!
Michelle - Pleased to meet your acquaintance - My name is adopted, fake, artifice, as so much of me is, but thank you kindly for your wise, wise words!
sorry that you seem to be so down at the moment, although with a back op pending I can imagine it's not the best of times. I hate people who go on about their operations when someone mentions they are about to have one but...About 20 years ago I had an op on my back to remove a prolapsed disc and it all went fine. The pain I had been in prior to the op was excruciating - it all went. It was the best thing ever, coming round from the op and realising that the pain I was in now was just normal post-op stuff.
I obviously don't know the details of your op but just wanted you to know that I've been there and it worked for me.
x
(you're on my sidebar now so I will keep in touch
FF - I think I am in for something very similar, although I'm not certain, as I have yet to see a Consultant, for he is in India, bless him - So thank you so much for mentioning your own good experience of it -
The last op I had was to remove my tonsils when I was 5, hence my irrational fears at this stage of mid-life! I also think it is partly my conditioning - As my late mum and grandma were also terrified types about hosps. - I just need to get a grip of myself, really! xox
Dear Fhina,
I'm only a man, so what would I know?! Except that you whinge most beautifully and, like all your other followers, I wish you well.
What an interesting post! Your images always add excitement to your words. Bravo!
Cheers,
CLAY
I really relate to your post today. I appreciate your honesty, openness, and depth filled exploration of your feelings.
That's the beauty of blogging, I find myself always trying to be upbeat ish on mine. On the few occasions where I have posted a "my life is shit" I've taken it down very quickly afterwards. So I admire your honesty and candour, yours is a much more realistic barometer of your feelings and that's very valid. x
Dear Fhina, you know the fact that you have made me cry shows how much this Blogging phenomena magically bonds us all together; how we all rush to hug away hurt, strive to find the right words to soothe aching hearts. And the truth is that it is not psuedo, pretend, fake caring-why would we spend time in false words. The pain we feel for you is as real as the sun moon and stars. We are real friends even though we shall never meet.
Thank you for the wonderful words you have used to describe me-only the gods know if they are deserved, and for the special award you have given me, I shall try even harder to live up to them.
As for this operation that is going to make you feel seventeen again-trust in your doctors, they know what they are doing...you will be fine.
This post was a joy, for the illustrations, for your writing and for the trust you put in us to understand you more.
XXX
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're feeling well today! xo
Missed this yesterday. I'd be scared shitless, but here's more silver lining: My Grandma had this surgery decades ago and it fixed her up like a dream! She felt huge relief. Here's to a speedy recovery. Take full advantage of the bed rest with those delcious treats you photographed in today's post and some wonderful screen time! Peace for you and your body. Ann
Post a Comment